Midnight Reflections
Wow it has been a year since I posted on this blog! A year since I've chronicled our family... that's pretty sad. So much has happened since last January! We had a lot of adventures, finished the house and moved, started a new school year, found out a surprise #5 baby would be joining us... So much to update!! Rather than overwhelm myself trying to think of all the things I need to write about from the last year, I'm just going to record my feelings tonight.
Justin gave me an extended weekend off. The kids had their last day of school before spring break today and they left shortly after school up to Seligman to stay the night with Dale & Joanna. Tomorrow morning, Dale & Daisy will stay with their grandparents while Justin takes Brighton & Adaira on a backpacking adventure in the Grand Canyon. They will be carrying all their own food and supplies and sleeping on the trail and at the trail campgrounds. They plan on hiking out Monday and coming home Tuesday morning.
With everyone gone, I took full advantage of my very rare time alone and completely vegged for a few hours, went to dinner with my mom, Dia, Angie & Marisa, came home and pulled out dessert and binge watched Netflix for three hours. I figured everything else that needed to be done around here could wait until tomorrow! I finally called it a night just before midnight. Dale had left the light on in his room so I went downstairs to turn it off. Standing in the hallway that connects the three bedrooms of Dale, Brighton & Adaira, I couldn't help but look into Dale's room at his empty bed and realize how much comfort having my children home with me and tucked into their beds at night gives me. I looked at Dale's bed without his pillow or favorite blanket and thought, "What would I ever do if one day something happened to him and that bed remained empty? What if a tragedy occurred and he never came home and I never got to see his sweet body lying their snuggling his blanket and more than likely soothing with those first two fingers in his mouth?" I then turned on the light to Adaira's room next door and looked around and admired all the little things she has done to make her space her own. She has her closet organized the way she wants it, her projects and various pictures frames just where she wants them on her chest next to the bed. Lately when she is supposed to have her lights out, I have to go in there and tell her to stop reading and turn off her lamp. I can see her in my mind lying where the bed is now empty. What would I do if her bed remained empty?
On I went to Brighton's room. He has a built in bookcase on one wall where it borders the stairs. Even though some of the books are childrens books that he hasn't touched in years, (especially since we quit buying him books because his reading hobby was so expensive we just opted for a Kindle and borrowing Kindle books from the library) he LOVES having his "library" on display and being able to "check out" books to Adaira & Dale when they want something to read. Literally every night he is sprawled out on the floor reading something and I have to get after him to turn off the lights and go to bed because it's near or after 10pm by then! What if my bookworm, who always insists on giving me a hug and a kiss every night and every morning before he gets out of the car for school, was suddenly not in my life anymore?
Last room was Daisy's room upstairs. That girl loves to sleep in. She is not an early riser and every morning I go in there to get her little body out of her big bed. I looked at her bed and could envision her in it, cuddling her blanket that can't seem to function without. I thought of how tall she is and pictured a 16yr old version of her sprawled across the entire bed with toes hanging off the edge, white hair now darker and that sweet little impish voice replaced with a teenage voice, and reminded myself of how quickly my baby girl is already growing up. The days are long but the years are fast I hear, and I totally agree. How can I hold onto and appreciate all these little things before I have a house full of almost adults?? I hate that I can't have the opportunity to reflect like this more often and miss my children and realize how fast they are growing up on me.
In the day to day chaos with all the fighting and stress and messes that we have around here, at the end of the day the only thing I seem to ever want is time to myself. I finally got my fill of that tonight and even though I've been apart from them many times for trips and adult vacations, it always hits home stronger when I am home and they are not here with me. This place is not a home without them. These sweet and precious beings that I grew inside me are what give my life purpose and even though I don't feel it daily, they are my treasures on earth. They are the most important work I have. I worry and stress about my ability to raise them to be strong enough to be faithful and independent, yet soft enough on them that they know they are deeply loved. I only have six years left with Brighton before he turns 18, graduates and goes on a mission. WHAT?!! How are we that close? How is it possible that he is going to be a full on young adult man in just a couple years?
I love these children of mine so much. They drive me so crazy! A few that I shall not name, sass me daily and argue with me on just about everything...Damn that there aren't enough hours in the day for us to have more good times together! I miss them and they aren't gone yet. As nervous as I am about having another baby, I feel blessed that I get to hold onto my little ones a little longer, now that my youngest will no longer be a 4.5yr old. At the same time I feel sad that it will be a few years before she will be old enough for us to start doing all the fun activities we did in 2015. All four of my children were at such great ages last year. No more babies, no more naps to work around, diapers, etc. We went camping about 4-5 times (twice I took them all by myself), tubed the Salt River 3 times, had several day trips hiking with Dad, a ski trip, a Caribbean cruise, a couple cabin trips... man we had a great time. It was an awesome year despite the stress of finishing up our house. It actually surprises me we got out so much! I am so hopeful that my kids are creating memories that they can have to counteract the friction at home so much, because right now they've only been gone for 13 hours and I totally miss them and feel sad that the day to day stuff is so hard on all of us. Here's to hoping those feelings ingrain upon my heart for the next three and a half days and I can start anew just in time for a length spring break at home with them :)
Justin gave me an extended weekend off. The kids had their last day of school before spring break today and they left shortly after school up to Seligman to stay the night with Dale & Joanna. Tomorrow morning, Dale & Daisy will stay with their grandparents while Justin takes Brighton & Adaira on a backpacking adventure in the Grand Canyon. They will be carrying all their own food and supplies and sleeping on the trail and at the trail campgrounds. They plan on hiking out Monday and coming home Tuesday morning.
With everyone gone, I took full advantage of my very rare time alone and completely vegged for a few hours, went to dinner with my mom, Dia, Angie & Marisa, came home and pulled out dessert and binge watched Netflix for three hours. I figured everything else that needed to be done around here could wait until tomorrow! I finally called it a night just before midnight. Dale had left the light on in his room so I went downstairs to turn it off. Standing in the hallway that connects the three bedrooms of Dale, Brighton & Adaira, I couldn't help but look into Dale's room at his empty bed and realize how much comfort having my children home with me and tucked into their beds at night gives me. I looked at Dale's bed without his pillow or favorite blanket and thought, "What would I ever do if one day something happened to him and that bed remained empty? What if a tragedy occurred and he never came home and I never got to see his sweet body lying their snuggling his blanket and more than likely soothing with those first two fingers in his mouth?" I then turned on the light to Adaira's room next door and looked around and admired all the little things she has done to make her space her own. She has her closet organized the way she wants it, her projects and various pictures frames just where she wants them on her chest next to the bed. Lately when she is supposed to have her lights out, I have to go in there and tell her to stop reading and turn off her lamp. I can see her in my mind lying where the bed is now empty. What would I do if her bed remained empty?
On I went to Brighton's room. He has a built in bookcase on one wall where it borders the stairs. Even though some of the books are childrens books that he hasn't touched in years, (especially since we quit buying him books because his reading hobby was so expensive we just opted for a Kindle and borrowing Kindle books from the library) he LOVES having his "library" on display and being able to "check out" books to Adaira & Dale when they want something to read. Literally every night he is sprawled out on the floor reading something and I have to get after him to turn off the lights and go to bed because it's near or after 10pm by then! What if my bookworm, who always insists on giving me a hug and a kiss every night and every morning before he gets out of the car for school, was suddenly not in my life anymore?
Last room was Daisy's room upstairs. That girl loves to sleep in. She is not an early riser and every morning I go in there to get her little body out of her big bed. I looked at her bed and could envision her in it, cuddling her blanket that can't seem to function without. I thought of how tall she is and pictured a 16yr old version of her sprawled across the entire bed with toes hanging off the edge, white hair now darker and that sweet little impish voice replaced with a teenage voice, and reminded myself of how quickly my baby girl is already growing up. The days are long but the years are fast I hear, and I totally agree. How can I hold onto and appreciate all these little things before I have a house full of almost adults?? I hate that I can't have the opportunity to reflect like this more often and miss my children and realize how fast they are growing up on me.
In the day to day chaos with all the fighting and stress and messes that we have around here, at the end of the day the only thing I seem to ever want is time to myself. I finally got my fill of that tonight and even though I've been apart from them many times for trips and adult vacations, it always hits home stronger when I am home and they are not here with me. This place is not a home without them. These sweet and precious beings that I grew inside me are what give my life purpose and even though I don't feel it daily, they are my treasures on earth. They are the most important work I have. I worry and stress about my ability to raise them to be strong enough to be faithful and independent, yet soft enough on them that they know they are deeply loved. I only have six years left with Brighton before he turns 18, graduates and goes on a mission. WHAT?!! How are we that close? How is it possible that he is going to be a full on young adult man in just a couple years?
I love these children of mine so much. They drive me so crazy! A few that I shall not name, sass me daily and argue with me on just about everything...Damn that there aren't enough hours in the day for us to have more good times together! I miss them and they aren't gone yet. As nervous as I am about having another baby, I feel blessed that I get to hold onto my little ones a little longer, now that my youngest will no longer be a 4.5yr old. At the same time I feel sad that it will be a few years before she will be old enough for us to start doing all the fun activities we did in 2015. All four of my children were at such great ages last year. No more babies, no more naps to work around, diapers, etc. We went camping about 4-5 times (twice I took them all by myself), tubed the Salt River 3 times, had several day trips hiking with Dad, a ski trip, a Caribbean cruise, a couple cabin trips... man we had a great time. It was an awesome year despite the stress of finishing up our house. It actually surprises me we got out so much! I am so hopeful that my kids are creating memories that they can have to counteract the friction at home so much, because right now they've only been gone for 13 hours and I totally miss them and feel sad that the day to day stuff is so hard on all of us. Here's to hoping those feelings ingrain upon my heart for the next three and a half days and I can start anew just in time for a length spring break at home with them :)
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