I may just be opening up myself to a bunch of judgment and criticisms with this post here but it is what it is.
I've been thinking a lot about motherhood for the past few months. Most of my thinking stems from guilt I feel about my lack of mothering skills, in that I just don't seem to live for being a mom like so many other women I know. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids! But I also love my alone time, the time I have to work part time with other adults, and the time when all the kids are safely tucked in bed. Growing up I didn't dream about being a mom. I didn't like to babysit AT ALL! When it came time to start our family it really wasn't out of a longing desire to be parents (though I was excited for the new chapter in our lives), it was more about timing and that we'd been married a couple years and it just seemed like it was time to start a family. I'm not the super fun mom I always thought I would be, and my lack of "natural" capabilities in this arena make me question on a regular basis if I should really have very many children. I don't want to be one of those mothers who has a ton of kids and then is mean and short with them all, and all the kids are obnoxious, loud and always into trouble. Working in the adoption world, I see so many birthmothers who make such enormous personal sacrifices to give their babies a better life, and I see adoptive couples who would give anything to have children of their own. I see these couples absolutely cherish the babies placed with them. I feel such guilt that I don't have the same appreciation for my own children. They deserve it! Sometimes I wonder if having babies just comes too easy for us and because of that we don't see it as the miracle that it is. I want to feel that whole "live for being a mom" thing that so many other mothers have. Justin and I just both seem to enjoy each other a heck of a lot more than we do our kids. I feel sad that most days I'm just counting down the hours until Justin gets home, and then counting down the hours till bedtime. Along with that, I really fear for my kids living in this day and age. I want so badly for them to develop strong testimonies of the gospel and of their Savior, but I can't guarantee anything. I had the thought a few nights ago (after another evening of being short tempered and irritated with my kids) that at least I have Justin. At least HE is my friend when all the kids seem to just want to drive me nuts! At least if they all fall off the wagon when they get older and choose lifestyles that will lead to heartache, I still have the husband that I love. As I thought more about this, I realized that sometimes that may be the best thing we have to offer our kids. Maybe Justin and I aren't perfect, and we mess up with our kids, but perhaps loving each other will teach them more than we can imagine. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard to mold my ADHD prone children into good little persons who aren't impulsive and who respect authority. Maybe despite all our shortcomings they will turn out just fine because they have two parents who love each other and get along great. That's my hope for now, because if that doesn't work, I'm in trouble!
I've been thinking a lot about motherhood for the past few months. Most of my thinking stems from guilt I feel about my lack of mothering skills, in that I just don't seem to live for being a mom like so many other women I know. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids! But I also love my alone time, the time I have to work part time with other adults, and the time when all the kids are safely tucked in bed. Growing up I didn't dream about being a mom. I didn't like to babysit AT ALL! When it came time to start our family it really wasn't out of a longing desire to be parents (though I was excited for the new chapter in our lives), it was more about timing and that we'd been married a couple years and it just seemed like it was time to start a family. I'm not the super fun mom I always thought I would be, and my lack of "natural" capabilities in this arena make me question on a regular basis if I should really have very many children. I don't want to be one of those mothers who has a ton of kids and then is mean and short with them all, and all the kids are obnoxious, loud and always into trouble. Working in the adoption world, I see so many birthmothers who make such enormous personal sacrifices to give their babies a better life, and I see adoptive couples who would give anything to have children of their own. I see these couples absolutely cherish the babies placed with them. I feel such guilt that I don't have the same appreciation for my own children. They deserve it! Sometimes I wonder if having babies just comes too easy for us and because of that we don't see it as the miracle that it is. I want to feel that whole "live for being a mom" thing that so many other mothers have. Justin and I just both seem to enjoy each other a heck of a lot more than we do our kids. I feel sad that most days I'm just counting down the hours until Justin gets home, and then counting down the hours till bedtime. Along with that, I really fear for my kids living in this day and age. I want so badly for them to develop strong testimonies of the gospel and of their Savior, but I can't guarantee anything. I had the thought a few nights ago (after another evening of being short tempered and irritated with my kids) that at least I have Justin. At least HE is my friend when all the kids seem to just want to drive me nuts! At least if they all fall off the wagon when they get older and choose lifestyles that will lead to heartache, I still have the husband that I love. As I thought more about this, I realized that sometimes that may be the best thing we have to offer our kids. Maybe Justin and I aren't perfect, and we mess up with our kids, but perhaps loving each other will teach them more than we can imagine. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard to mold my ADHD prone children into good little persons who aren't impulsive and who respect authority. Maybe despite all our shortcomings they will turn out just fine because they have two parents who love each other and get along great. That's my hope for now, because if that doesn't work, I'm in trouble!
Comments
And you're right, you and Justin loving each other and being friends is the best thing you can give your kids! You're doing a great job!
I've heard several times that the best thing you can give your children are parents who love each other.
We all love our kids and cherish them, but it is always nice to have a break from being "mommy" and just be ourselves, especially with our husbands there too. In fact, I think those breaks make us better moms in the long run.
I love that one conference talk that talks about how the joy of motherhood comes in "moments." I had one today whie I was wrestling with Ella and Conner on the floor--just a time to enjoy them and love them bunches! And you can bet I had some other moments as well--like the one where Ella kept kicking Conner in his highchair and wouldn't let him eat! Yeah...life is good...and so is bedtime...you're doing great!
Marisa, I don't know how much of Brighton's smarts I can personally take credit for. That kid has constant questions about EVERYTHING and has initiated most of the learning he's received from us!
I've been surprised that being a great Mom doesn't come naturally to me, and enjoying motherhood doesn't come naturally either. Those are things I fail at more often than I want to admit! But I think the fact that we continue to work on it is what matters.
There was a talk by Elder Ballard I think, he said the "joys" of motherhood comes in moments. There's so much frustration and craziness we deal with it's so easy to forget those joyful moments.
Don't be hard on yourself, being a mom is a learning process. No one has it all together!